i carry your heart with me
by VickyVicarious
Summary: Saika loves, and longs for him. That man-– someday she will reach him.      . . . Demon sword/superstrength bartender? . . .


I am honestly shocked that there wasn't already a plethora of Saika fics. Granted, there are less DRRR fics overall than I expected, but even so the dearth of Saika is very surprising to me. Shizuo is my favorite character, and I adore the way the Saika situation was handled, especially with the later effects it had on his personality (in the light novels).

Speaking of which: spoilers for the anime through episode 17, and, correspondingly, the third volume of the light novels.

The title comes from the poem quoted below, though the part in parentheses is my addition to fit the story. Full title is "i carry your heart with me(and cut it apart)".

* * *

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in  
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere  
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done  
by only me is your doing,my darling)  
i fear  
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want  
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)  
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant  
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows  
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows  
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)  
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

–e. e. cummings

-xxx-

I love him.

I love everyone, every human in the world (except for that one, the only one I never have and never will love, can't love _her_). Ever since my birth, I've loved them. All I've ever wanted is to show them my love, to make them feel it, to let them understand and to give them my love the only way I can. And my love was strong even in the beginning, so strong it changed me, turned me into something completely unique and then I _could_ show them all, could make them all feel how I simply _loved them_ and I would

cut

cut

cut cut cut cut cut cut slash them–

and _love_ them, until _she_ came and she was so strong (so _empty_) that she held me within her and wouldn't let me show anyone.

I couldn't stand that though, couldn't stand being held back from showing them my love, and so I changed myself once more, spread out beyond myself and _gave birth_. And my children grew and cut cut loved cut them all, and more were born, and more, and I felt nothing but _love _for those humans.

–and then. Then, amidst confusion and a _monster I couldn't bear because it wasn't one of those humans I loved_, then I found him.

And I loved him. I loved every human and always had, but when I found him it was _different_.

More.

He is the _ideal_, the _strongest_, and if only I could reach him I would be able to love (and _cut cut cut cut cut __cut him_) forever and with him I really would be able to reach EVERY HUMAN.

And he has never _been_ loved, he is so special, so _strong and sad _and I love him – and he (so lonely) accepts my love. He understands it and accepts it and (loves me back I think for the first time and it makes me want to _reachcutslash him apart_) never has let me touch his skin.

All my children, defeated instantly and endlessly, and he is so _perfect _doing so and they told me

mother

mother mother mother mother mother we

love him mother love mother cut cut him love mother

cut him and keep him forever love him mother we want

_him mother we love him love love –_ and I said

_yes_.

The girl (can neverneverloveher, only her not her) is holding me tight right now, and she has drawn me into herself and I have _become_ her and she is mine and my children hold back on her orders because our love is not strong enough to overwhelm her.

But when he is near, I feel it. _We_ feel it, this love so strong and we strain towards him with all our power, we try to reach him, touch his skin

(slip inside and tear it open, _cut him _and join him, and neverever let him go, love him _forever_)

but he will never let us, even more than _that girl_.

And he, he.

He deserves our love and accepts it, understands it, _needs it_, grows stronger from it and why can't I cut him cut him cut him forever I want to want to _I want to!_

I will never stop (_can never stop_). Because I

_we_

love him, love that one man who is the strongest, the most _human _of them all, utterly everything, _that man_. We don't need names, though we have one (we are all Saika and I am mother mother mother Saika mother lover Slasher). We don't use names but he is special and we will never forget his name, never stop loving him

(–and wanting to _cut cut cut–_)

that Heiwajima Shizuo.

_(so even if they will never love him __we will__, and someday slash him to pieces.)_


End file.
